Chapter 1: First is the worst
Despite my inability to run a singular mile I boldly joined distance track my freshman year of high school. The last time I had tried something completely foreign to me was nine years prior when my dance career first began. Falling short in my physical ability, I was reminded of the discomfort that comes with being a beginner.
I wish I could quote what my coach said to me on the first day of practice, however, that would be equivalent to reciting a foreign language. All I heard was gibberish while I nodded my head to be polite.
I was paired with a girl I recognized named Linnea. We walked to the start line where the inevitable began--the running.
It wasn't until we reached 100 meters that I realized I had no idea what we were supposed to be running. Linnea left my sloth-like pace, and I now stared at her back. Stopping wasn't an option when the entire track and field team infested the football field. I had no choice but to run until I no longer could.
To this day I have no idea how slow I ran or how many miles I covered. Nonetheless, I do know that my legs hated me the next day, and even more so when I decided I wasn't going to quit.
My freshman year of track can best be described as humbling. I showed up daily, fully aware I would be the slowest on our team, and that was okay. I learned to listen when your coach tells you a workout. I learned that Linnea would not remain a stranger to me. And I learned that embarrassing beginnings make the funniest memories. If my old self would have had it her way she would have quit after the first practice. Thank goodness God's plan was better than mine.
Chapter 2: Leap of faith
Track made me realize that I loved to work hard. I had never experienced such a high level of pain and I couldn't help but yearn for that back again. Through Instagram, I reached out to a complete stranger inquiring about the cross country pre-season. My plan was to attend a summer running practice and if it felt right I would quit dance and join cross country.
It just so happened that the day I texted Emory was the day before the official cross country season began. The chances of me texting her when I did made me certain that the gut feeling I had wasn't just by coincidence. With a single email I took a leap of faith and resigned from dance forever. I cried that night. Saying goodbye to dance meant I was losing a piece of my identity. I could only hope it would be worth it in the end.
The next day I went to practice where the coach asked the team, "Why are you doing cross country this year?" Looking back, this was quite ironic considering I was wondering the same thing in my head.
We ran that day, we ran the next day, and did the same every week after that. While I wasn't a naturally gifted runner I enjoyed the challenge that each day brought.
The inevitable first meet came. I walked to the start line accompanied by Emory (the girl I messaged above). I pretended like I wasn't absolutely terrified as we began to warm up.
I got to the finish line with a time of 25.42. At that moment that race felt like the biggest deal in the world but I find it funny I can't even remember running it.
The next few meets continued my learning experience. It didn't take long to realize that Linnea and I raced very similarly. If I got 24.53 she got 24.52 and vice versa. This was rare but great news because it meant we constantly got to run together. She grew to be someone I could rely on and laugh through the pain with.
I don't remember much else from my sophomore year. That last race, however, has become a fond memory I will never forget. After a full season of learning to embrace discomfort it was finally time to run the final race. I had nothing to lose. It was the best I have ever felt during a race. Confident as I passed each opponent. Stronger with each step. Relentless through the discomfort. I ran my career record: 21.56 making me an alternate for the varsity team sectional race. I mean I said it best on the back of my bib (in the picture above).
Making the decision to switch sports most likely sounds way easier than it felt. It was a difficult leap of faith for me but I have zero regrets. If my old self would have had it her way she would have remained in her comfort zone. Thank goodness God's plan was better than mine.
Chapter 3: Being unsuccessful made me successful
Finding a sport that I was passionate about had its pros and cons. For one, I finally felt like I had a purpose every day. Beyond that, I changed my eating patterns to get faster, went to bed earlier to ensure I would perform my best, and skipped social events to spend extra time training. Caring so much about cross country practically transformed my entire lifestyle for the better, however, with that care also came the fear that I wouldn't live up to my own expectations.
When our first race came one year later I was so excited. I had been working since the end of our last season to be my absolute best. The race itself was nothing special but that was expected because it was a slow course. I finished the race and didn't even write down my time because I was so focused on our next race.
Describing our second meet race wouldn't be as good as actually showing you how it truly felt.
Below is the journal entry I wrote after racing it:
That wasn't the only race I experienced a sense of defeat. In fact, there was only one race my entire Junior year that I finished with a sense of accomplishment. It was mentally exhausting to show up every day and not do well. I felt like I was doing everything--going to practice, eating well, doing my best--yet seeing absolutely no improvements.
When I look back on my junior year the last memories that come to my mind are my unsuccessful races. Instead, I recall screaming the words to my favorite songs on the bus before meets. I remember when Linnea would tell me we were nearly done with our workout even when that was far from the truth. I especially remember peeing my pants on a run with Elia (our foreign exchange student) because she couldn't say the word jewelry. I think of how incredibly close I got with each one of my team mates.
My junior year allowed me to open up to an overwhelming amount of girls on my team. I now can see that my unsuccessful races led me to seek comfort in the people around me. If my races would have always been successful there is no way the relationships I formed would be as deep as they are now. I continue to cherish the bonds I formed and wouldn't trade them for anything. If my old self would have had it her way she would have made all my races flawless. Thank goodness God's plan was better than mine.
Chapter 4: Till you can't
To fully understand my final year of cross country you need to be aware of my position on our team. For the past two years I had trained with the varsity team all season yet always ended as a top Junior Varsity member. This fact rarely bothered me--after all, my training was far from easy--but I couldn't shake the yearn I had to run in at least one varsity race. As always, I wrote down my list of expectations for the upcoming season and at the bottom of the page (in extremely small font) I wrote: run one varsity race.
Going into a situation with the same approach and expecting different results is simply foolish. With this in mind, I made the promise that I would go to every pre-season practice without failure. I had said this in the past but this year was different; It was my very last shot to succeed.
Practice was Monday-Friday at 8 am (painful I know). I sacrificed my sleep and substituted it for pain. I requested off work and missed my friend's morning get-togethers. Above all though, I attempted to ignore the thought that I would remain the same average runner I had been the past two seasons of dedication.
I won’t lie in saying I was perfect but I did impress myself in my attendance to the summer season. My average mileage one year prior was around 3-5 miles while now it was 6-7. That alone made me feel like this year would be different.
Beyond the increase of miles, I additionally prayed over my season. This was something I had always done, but this year my prayers were slightly modified.
My past prayers went something like: "Lord make me a better runner"
Now I found myself saying: "Lord I want each run to uplift your name. I want to run faster than I ever have in order to give you the glory."
That's not an exaggeration. I wrote both of those prayers down in my journal. Do you see the difference in attitude? Well just wait till you see the difference in result!
The race season began and almost nothing changed about my time compared to last year. I wasn't going to give up though. I kept training just as hard reminding myself to keep going until I couldn't anymore. I talked to my coaches about how to be my best, met with a sports psychologist to make race plans, and did absolutely everything I could think of to get to where I wished to be.
Time and time again my races left me disappointed and before I knew it we were racing at conference. My brain couldn't comprehend that as I warmed up alongside Linnea that this was one of our final times doing so. It was our second to last race but my brain was truly in denial of the fact.
The windy weather was accompanied by a slippery course making for uncomfortable racing conditions. Even with this against me I couldn't help but feel calm. We got to the line, I said a prayer, and then we were off.
Within the first 100 meters I knew I was going to race well. I made my way to the front of the pack and reminded myself all I had to do was stay with it.
I did what I hadn't truly done since my sophomore season--I raced. Let me tell you: IT FELT AMAZING! *Painfully amazing* I blacked out for most of it but I will never forget seeing my parents and team mates screaming out of pride for me. It makes me teary eyed to think about it.
I finished in 8th place with a time of 22:29 qualifying for me to run in my varsity meet. This meant my last race would be sectionals where I would race as a varsity member.
The day of sectionals felt like a blessing. I couldn't believe that I was being given such a splendid opportunity to showcase my growth. It was surreal. Not gonna lie I kind of was fan girling. Being an alternate the past two years, I had watched all of my teammates compete in sectionals and was now one of the girls I watched.
The race was nothing I had ever experienced. It was painful and fast. Man did it hurt. I crossed the finish line with a time significantly slower than the previous week. I felt mad at God. Why put me through all of this just to end it on this note? What was the point? Why couldn't I have just raced well?
My feet crossed the finish line and I was met with loads of hugs from my team mates. And that was when God humbled me."We're going to state!" they shouted at me.
God truly is a powerful God. He puts us through trials not out of enjoyment but out of purpose. He loves us so dearly that he sees past what we wish for and gives us what is actually best. How amazing is that?
My second ever race on varsity was at state. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I raced competitively and well. It was everything I could have wished for. When the time came I crossed that finish line one final time with a time of 22:29. Tears filled my eyes out of pure awe of God. He is so good. He is so much better than me. If my old self would have had it her way she would have been on varsity all 3 years of cross country. Thank goodness God's plan was better than mine.
Thank you
My sister caroline: for bullying me into running. Your love of the sport was the reason I gave it a chance in the first place and a large reason I kept going. I look up to you so much and wouldn't have gone through that level of pain without you in my life.
My parents: who comforted me for both my wins and losses. I never had to wonder if you guys would show up it was a guarantee. You guys are the reason I strive to work hard in all that I do.
Coach Kreoning: for being there for me when I was at very low lows. From not being able to breathe in the middle of a workout to just needing someone to listen to my worries you were always there. I'm forever grateful.
Coachie: for putting in the work for the past 4 years day in and day out so that I could be my absolute best. Nobody can coach the way you do and I was lucky to be taught by you.
My teammates: every one of them helped me in their own unique ways. We laughed, cried, and made so many memories together. You guys were one of my only reasons to keep going most of the time.
God: Above all. For you never left my side through it all. Your plan was, is, and always will be better than mine and thank goodness it is.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!!
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