I shook my head in disbelief, feeling a mix of anger and denial, as I tugged our friendship bracelet back and forth. The first girl to share a secret handshake with me was leaving. The only friend that had ever traded lunches with me was moving away. The first girl to call me best friend was being taken away from me. As if every memory would soon be erased I couldn’t help but mourn the friendship that once was. Now, the fast paced playground surrounding us moved in slow motion as I watched the girl I shared all my firsts with slip away.
Labeled as an introvert, making friends did not come with ease. Making the first move was something I feared mostly because rejection acted as my own repellent. Before going up to a group I strategically planned exactly what I would say in hopes to please those I would talk to. Treating the term people pleaser as a lifestyle my elementary school self thrived on this way of life. The problem with constantly prioritizing other people's thoughts, however, is the ease of losing your own.
One Saturday morning, easy to recall, my mother informed me I would be spending the day at my classmates house. Although she was quieter than the other girls, something interested me. I previously had taken account of her posture and poise in class, something I lacked. Unlike my other classmates, who played soccer and basketball she did taekwondo. She utilized her freetime to play chess rather than watch music videos or Disney Channel. To me, she was clearly set apart. Towards the end of our playdate she led me into her basement where I found myself speechless. On a bright pink table in the center of the room stood a city of legos. Vast and carefully placed I had to clench my jaw to contain my awe. I had always assumed all girls preferred stuffed animals, but she did not accompany the crowd. Led by the compass of her heart, I had never felt so inspired to change.
The first day of school without her, something I had so desperately dreaded, came quicker than anticipated. The thunderstorms matched my mood, resulting in indoor recess. As a result of the weather, a group of girls in my class stood searching for an activity to breach their time with. I tugged on our bracelet in hopes to inspire myself merely as much as she so easily had. Suddenly, I felt my legs approaching, my mouth opening, and soon enough I had a group of five girls building a lego city.
Striving to be liked rather than liking who you are is an exhausting cycle of disappointment. My old friend, with her unique interests and unusual hobbies, taught me friendships are not about compromising who you are. The friends worth keeping will uplift, accept, and strengthen one another for what makes them individuals. She was the first friend I lost and the last friend I’ll forget.
I love you Colleen 🩷